I'm a Planner With a Great Sense of Irony

I'm a Planner With a Great Sense of Irony

I can't tell you how many times I've fantasized about purposely missing my exit home and instead just keeping driving. Maybe I'd go as far as my tank of gas would take me or maybe I'd just keep going until there was no road left. One thing that is known is I'm alone, left alone, and could be alone. 

And that's exactly what I'm doing. 

A year and a half ago my then-husband and I had to make a decision about renewing our lease: Do we just go one more year or take it a bit further to accommodate our son getting settled at college? Motherly desires won and an 18-month renewal was signed. Time marched on. The 18 months were up and it was time to leave. Only instead of leaving with the husband, teenage son, and family dog that originally filled the apartment I was left alone with a couple suitcases packed and a tiny vial of Skip's ashes that I'd bring with me for the ultimate road trip. 

I spent my whole life taking care of others, bending myself to please them for fear of rejection or continued abuse. It's an exhausting life, let me tell you. The fantasy of running away was a short respite from the chaos that continually swirled around me. So when it was time to decide whether to renew the lease again the decision was a no-brainer. Leave, and build a new life, but before that get in that car and run away. 

I am grateful and humbled my work is letting me take the next two months to work remotely as I travel around the American Southwest before I settle in my new place in Nashville. (More on that in a future post.) Talk about living the dream! Being the planner that I am I spent a few months before takeoff meticulously planning my route, reserving the Air B&Bs, and getting the money together to do it all. First stop: Roswell, NM on Friday the 13th. Aliens. Mystery. Intrigue, all on that supposed cursed day. 

And I made it, just as planned. 

 To get there I had a seven-hour drive through West Texas. Good lord, talk about an apocalyptic wasteland. Coming from Austin and living within the Hill Country the difference is stark. But then something wonderful happened when I followed an unassuming curve. Within a quarter of a mile was the most dramatic change in the landscape I'd ever seen. From flat hopelessness suddenly this marvel of blue-green hues, wild purples, and raging reds sprung from the earth. I was captivated. Awed. Blown the hell away. 

It was such a welcome change since I was wallering my self-pity up to that point. Gut-wrenching goodbyes swallowed me whole the previous night and fueled my sense of being on auto-pilot for those first six hours. I was sad, I was crushed, I was beyond despair, and was still thinking of turning that car around. But I didn't. Trust the process, I always say. Time to take my words onto me. 

I've been telling people that with this trip I didn't know what I was looking for but I would when I found it. I haven't found it yet, but I will say I've already learned to go with the flow and let the process happen to me. It's time to bleed, time to shed that skin that's been holding me back. One day and one drive won't do it, but just like the landscape can turn into something wonderful within a short distance so an I. 

It's hard living for myself by myself. This is scary a.f. I still think I'm crazy. But I'm here among the aliens on Friday te 13th, just as I planned as a fun start to what will be a life-altering journey. Let's see where this takes us, shall we? 










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